I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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