corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
