I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
