chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
