I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
