1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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