Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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