How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
