This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize