I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
