FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
