I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
