if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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