I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
