He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
