It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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