VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
