My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
