Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
