my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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