Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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