My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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