I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
