I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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