and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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