fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
