if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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