Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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