well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
