I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
