Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
