Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
