I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm always down for nudity.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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