He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Blood and glitter go together right?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
God, I missed his penis.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize