Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
