He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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