Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
