you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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