he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
