6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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