I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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