my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
