If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
