so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
