There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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