If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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