the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize