I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
