Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize