He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
