the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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