I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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