My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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