so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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