U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
