You don't have asthma, your pregnant
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
