thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
