I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize