JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Girls should come with a carfax report
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
